he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
