Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
