I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I love how my cats smell like pot.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
