I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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