i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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