I can't breathe out the right side of my face
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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