would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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