Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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