I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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