nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
