if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
wanna go halves on a baby?
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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