he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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