God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
