I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
