Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Randomize
