Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I wear drunk well.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
