Pants 0. Shit 1.
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
