Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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