Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
