god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
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Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
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I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
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