guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
