I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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