Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
