i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
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