Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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