the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
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