I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
