I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
