Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
