I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
