Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
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i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
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Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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