he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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