I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
how drunk are you?
Several
Randomize
