yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
