I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
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It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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