Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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