i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I got inside last night via doggy door
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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