HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
MIDGETS
????
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
