SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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