Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
