Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Two words: nipple clamps
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