What a fucking waste of an outfit
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
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