i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
