I just threw up on my dentist
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
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