so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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