there's paper in my vomit.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
