Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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