I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
