I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
