is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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