bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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