So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
