I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
