I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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