Welp...herpes.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
