3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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