either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
