if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize