Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
