Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
