We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
The best revenge is premature balding
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
