Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
