I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
