I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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