the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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